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Had some free hours tonight so I looked into some old files in my laptop. To my amazement, I saw this short story I wrote ... about a hundred years ago...From the looks of it, I was really young when I wrote this; it has this "Sweet Dreams" feel in it.
Oh, so I was young once. Nice to know.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
10 rules of a demented mind
10. Life is short, sleep until it’s over.
9. Don’t worry about tomorrow, it’s going to be the same old shit in a different day anyway.
8. You’ll know that you have run out of friends when you fight with yourself and put the blame on her.
7. Never chase your dreams, they might get scared and run away from you.
6. Forgive and forget, then run over the jerk with your car.
5. Don't blame others for the choices you made because of them. Just play the guilt trip.
4. You always have a choice. Sometimes, the choices just suck… fucking shit.
3. Never love someone, and hope that he'll change. Hoping is futile. Blackmail him.
2. Always be honest with yourself, even if you can't be with others. They’re just imaginary friends anyway.
1. The only things you can control are your own actions; so, run over the jerk with your car… again.
9. Don’t worry about tomorrow, it’s going to be the same old shit in a different day anyway.
8. You’ll know that you have run out of friends when you fight with yourself and put the blame on her.
7. Never chase your dreams, they might get scared and run away from you.
6. Forgive and forget, then run over the jerk with your car.
5. Don't blame others for the choices you made because of them. Just play the guilt trip.
4. You always have a choice. Sometimes, the choices just suck… fucking shit.
3. Never love someone, and hope that he'll change. Hoping is futile. Blackmail him.
2. Always be honest with yourself, even if you can't be with others. They’re just imaginary friends anyway.
1. The only things you can control are your own actions; so, run over the jerk with your car… again.
Vacuum
September 2006
At times I just want to crawl under a rock and hide;
Or sleep endlessly.
The world continues to live, it doesn’t stop with me.
Time moves on, change remains.
Even if I stay still, or wander aimlessly;
This doesn’t matter.
The world doesn’t stop with me.
When I wake up;
The sun still rises; the moon still exists.
The sky still hovers; the stars still burn.
Hours still pass; minutes still count.
In a blink of an eye, the past is forgotten;
In a wink, the future sneaks.
The present doesn’t linger even for a second.
Existence continues; lives lived.
Time moves on.
Change remains.
The world doesn’t stop with me.
At times I just want to crawl under a rock and hide;
Or sleep endlessly.
The world continues to live, it doesn’t stop with me.
Time moves on, change remains.
Even if I stay still, or wander aimlessly;
This doesn’t matter.
The world doesn’t stop with me.
When I wake up;
The sun still rises; the moon still exists.
The sky still hovers; the stars still burn.
Hours still pass; minutes still count.
In a blink of an eye, the past is forgotten;
In a wink, the future sneaks.
The present doesn’t linger even for a second.
Existence continues; lives lived.
Time moves on.
Change remains.
The world doesn’t stop with me.
Confused
February 2006
Why is it that when it comes to life decisions, it is very difficult not to be stupid? It seems that everything is an uphill battle. Every minute progress you accomplish, something pulls you back… and you slide all the way down. Sometimes, you even fall in a deeper depth than when you started. Then your ass would hurt like hell.
I think I have a limitless supply of stupidity. I don’t seem to run out of it. There were times when I thought “… finally, I am able to handle things.” But, as usual, I was just deceiving the only person who would actually believe me… MYSELF. I am now an expert on that - denying to myself the truth, until eventually, I believe the lie. However, good things never last, do they? That point when you need to face reality will catch up with you. And you could no longer run from it.
There is only a single thing in life which is permanent. That is, change. In my case, there is only a single thing in my life which is permanent. That is, stupidity.
Why is it that when it comes to life decisions, it is very difficult not to be stupid? It seems that everything is an uphill battle. Every minute progress you accomplish, something pulls you back… and you slide all the way down. Sometimes, you even fall in a deeper depth than when you started. Then your ass would hurt like hell.
I think I have a limitless supply of stupidity. I don’t seem to run out of it. There were times when I thought “… finally, I am able to handle things.” But, as usual, I was just deceiving the only person who would actually believe me… MYSELF. I am now an expert on that - denying to myself the truth, until eventually, I believe the lie. However, good things never last, do they? That point when you need to face reality will catch up with you. And you could no longer run from it.
There is only a single thing in life which is permanent. That is, change. In my case, there is only a single thing in my life which is permanent. That is, stupidity.
How do you say goodbye?
August 2005
How do you say goodbye?
To the one who gave you joy; to the one who hurt you.
To the one who made you cry; to the one who comforted you.
To the one who made you proud; to the one who shamed you?
How do you say goodbye?
To somebody who taught you; to somebody who confused you.
To somebody who made you fall; to somebody who picked you up.
To somebody who molded you; to somebody who shattered you.
How do you say goodbye?
To someone you feared; to someone who kept you safe.
To someone you admired; to someone you distained?
To someone you hated; to someone you love.
How do you say goodbye?
Do you have to say goodbye?
Why did you say goodbye?
How can you say goodbye?
How?
How to say?
Why?
Why did you?
Say?
Goodbye?
Goodbye.
How do you say goodbye?
To the one who gave you joy; to the one who hurt you.
To the one who made you cry; to the one who comforted you.
To the one who made you proud; to the one who shamed you?
How do you say goodbye?
To somebody who taught you; to somebody who confused you.
To somebody who made you fall; to somebody who picked you up.
To somebody who molded you; to somebody who shattered you.
How do you say goodbye?
To someone you feared; to someone who kept you safe.
To someone you admired; to someone you distained?
To someone you hated; to someone you love.
How do you say goodbye?
Do you have to say goodbye?
Why did you say goodbye?
How can you say goodbye?
How?
How to say?
Why?
Why did you?
Say?
Goodbye?
Goodbye.
Crossroads
August 2007
Everyday we deal with choices and decisions. Some are mundane and ordinary, we don’t even notice they’re there. But, others, so significant, they turn our worlds over, inside-out, and upside down. And haven’t you noticed, these kinds of decisions are the ones we always put aside; they are choices we wished we never faced. But in truth, they should have been our priority; the crossroad we should confront; the problems we should not let linger; the stupidity that we should let go.
******************************************
Maybe it’s just our nature to be coward. Is it not our instinct to flinch from pain? Thus, it is to be expected to be in fear of suffering, for us to be afraid of that ache. Coz actually, if you think about it, we only delay making decisions when we think we would be hurt. And more often than not, we would get hurt when we make the right choice.
*******************************************
Hence, we opt to make the wrong ones, coz we think that they would make us happy. But from the very beginning we know that this happiness is farce. We know that we only prolong the agony. We are aware that time would eventually catch us … time when we have to make the right choice. The irony of it, because we avoid getting hurt, we actually suffer more than before. The cut is deeper; we are more scarred than we can imagine.
*******************************************
It takes a lot of courage to face the truth.
Everyday we deal with choices and decisions. Some are mundane and ordinary, we don’t even notice they’re there. But, others, so significant, they turn our worlds over, inside-out, and upside down. And haven’t you noticed, these kinds of decisions are the ones we always put aside; they are choices we wished we never faced. But in truth, they should have been our priority; the crossroad we should confront; the problems we should not let linger; the stupidity that we should let go.
******************************************
Maybe it’s just our nature to be coward. Is it not our instinct to flinch from pain? Thus, it is to be expected to be in fear of suffering, for us to be afraid of that ache. Coz actually, if you think about it, we only delay making decisions when we think we would be hurt. And more often than not, we would get hurt when we make the right choice.
*******************************************
Hence, we opt to make the wrong ones, coz we think that they would make us happy. But from the very beginning we know that this happiness is farce. We know that we only prolong the agony. We are aware that time would eventually catch us … time when we have to make the right choice. The irony of it, because we avoid getting hurt, we actually suffer more than before. The cut is deeper; we are more scarred than we can imagine.
*******************************************
It takes a lot of courage to face the truth.
Life in the modern world
July 31, 2007
Been working like a dog these past few weeks … it seems like these deadlines would never end. Even in my sleep, I dream about the things I had to do the next day. Shit.
In times like these, you begin to question why you work damn hard. Then you remember the bills you have to pay; the things you want to buy; the places you intend to go to; and the plans that you have made. Then you realize you have been a fucking fool. You are now a slave to the lifestyle you have burrowed yourself into, and you are just paying the price for it.
And it drives a very hard price -- stress, pressure, and mental anguish.
These costs intensify as you move up your career path. First, because you need to prove that you deserve that position. Then you need to work harder to maintain where you are. And still, you work more because you want to go up in the ladder again. A never ending journey it seems.
Then, as you slave, you feel the urge to reward yourself. You shop in better quality stores; you dine in more expensive restaurants; you go on trips more frequently; you engage in new hobbies and activities; and you transfer into a more comfortable home. Still, sometimes, these are not enough. There seems to be a never ending list of wants.
And the cycle continues. You work to afford the lifestyle you are living, and you live in that style to compensate for working hard.
I’ve let myself fall in this trap. And my world has been spinning mad ever since.
Been working like a dog these past few weeks … it seems like these deadlines would never end. Even in my sleep, I dream about the things I had to do the next day. Shit.
In times like these, you begin to question why you work damn hard. Then you remember the bills you have to pay; the things you want to buy; the places you intend to go to; and the plans that you have made. Then you realize you have been a fucking fool. You are now a slave to the lifestyle you have burrowed yourself into, and you are just paying the price for it.
And it drives a very hard price -- stress, pressure, and mental anguish.
These costs intensify as you move up your career path. First, because you need to prove that you deserve that position. Then you need to work harder to maintain where you are. And still, you work more because you want to go up in the ladder again. A never ending journey it seems.
Then, as you slave, you feel the urge to reward yourself. You shop in better quality stores; you dine in more expensive restaurants; you go on trips more frequently; you engage in new hobbies and activities; and you transfer into a more comfortable home. Still, sometimes, these are not enough. There seems to be a never ending list of wants.
And the cycle continues. You work to afford the lifestyle you are living, and you live in that style to compensate for working hard.
I’ve let myself fall in this trap. And my world has been spinning mad ever since.
Tired
July 31, 2007
Am tired
Not able to stand
Just a mound of ash
On the ground I lay
Scattered
As the wind blew
From a breeze
Into a gale
Flew me up
To the zenith
Fleeting
I plunged
To the abyss
An endless fall
Into that void
Am tired
Am tired
Not able to stand
Just a mound of ash
On the ground I lay
Scattered
As the wind blew
From a breeze
Into a gale
Flew me up
To the zenith
Fleeting
I plunged
To the abyss
An endless fall
Into that void
Am tired
A Glimpse of Bliss
May 18 2007
I descended into oblivion. I felt the cold seeping through my skin. I was scared; frightened to my wits. My heart was beating so fast, I wanted to turn around and never come back. Yet, I continued to slowly sink, deeper and deeper. I looked up and saw the light; it seems to be so far away.
Then, I was there.
Moments later, I felt a calm soft lullaby around me. Surprisingly, I was at peace.
I felt the rush of excitement, pumping through my veins. My eyes absorbed everything in sight. I felt like a kid again, eager and keen. Everything seems to be familiar, yet so strange.
Silence surrounded me. All I heard was my own breathing. I was alone, but I sense their presence. They too are lost in their own thoughts.
I was swimming into a new territory; a world where the chaos of life is nonexistent, an entity unknown. All the problems that kept me awake at night became trivial; and by each second they vanished. Like a bubble, they burst into nothingness. At the moment, I felt … contented.
Each minute that passed by was bliss. I never wanted to leave. I wanted to stay there forever.
But reality crept back and took over. My time there came to an end. I needed to breathe the sea air again. Reluctantly, I followed the others as they ascended. I looked up and the light summoned.
That was my first time to scuba dive.
I descended into oblivion. I felt the cold seeping through my skin. I was scared; frightened to my wits. My heart was beating so fast, I wanted to turn around and never come back. Yet, I continued to slowly sink, deeper and deeper. I looked up and saw the light; it seems to be so far away.
Then, I was there.
Moments later, I felt a calm soft lullaby around me. Surprisingly, I was at peace.
I felt the rush of excitement, pumping through my veins. My eyes absorbed everything in sight. I felt like a kid again, eager and keen. Everything seems to be familiar, yet so strange.
Silence surrounded me. All I heard was my own breathing. I was alone, but I sense their presence. They too are lost in their own thoughts.
I was swimming into a new territory; a world where the chaos of life is nonexistent, an entity unknown. All the problems that kept me awake at night became trivial; and by each second they vanished. Like a bubble, they burst into nothingness. At the moment, I felt … contented.
Each minute that passed by was bliss. I never wanted to leave. I wanted to stay there forever.
But reality crept back and took over. My time there came to an end. I needed to breathe the sea air again. Reluctantly, I followed the others as they ascended. I looked up and the light summoned.
That was my first time to scuba dive.
Being Human
June 19, 2006
Just recently, my four year old nephew, Luke, told a lie. He was playing with his Dad’s celfone and accidentally dropped it down the stairs. When my brother, his Dad, saw the scrambled pieces of phone on the floor, my nephew quickly said: “Hanns did it”. Unfortunately for him, Hanns, his three-year old brother, was with my sister-in-law, watching T.V.
Luke’s typical day is spent with his Mom and brother. There are not many kids in their neighborhood, so, he’s not that exposed to other people his age. The programs that Luke and Hanns watch on T.V. are those on the Disney channel and Nickelodeon, so I doubt he copied lying from there. No one taught him that. He learned it on his own. He knows he’ll be scolded, and he wanted to save his own ass. His instinct took over. He lied. And that’s human nature.
************
There have been a lot of things said about men coming from Mars, and women from Venus. That men and women think from extreme parts of a pole; that these two creatures seldom, if never, understand each other. But actually, comprehending how the other acts, or reacts, is not that difficult. You just have to think about … human nature.
People rely on their instincts when they do things. We depend on our nature.
************
If your boyfriend cheats on you, not once, twice, but more times than you care to count, should you expect him to be faithful this time around? Nope. It’s in his nature to cheat. I’m not saying it’s in men’s nature to do so, I’m saying it’s in your boyfriend’s nature. A woman can cheat too, you know. If your girlfriend had series of flings while you’re still together, then you have to have your head examined if you think there’s no possibility of her doing it again. It’s in her nature.
***********
It takes a strong person to go against one’s nature. You need a lot of strength not to lie when your ass is on the line. It takes strong will not to flirt when you are one. You require determination to think about other people when you are selfish. It is difficult not to act in the way nature intended you to be.
Not that it is impossible. It’s just hard.
***********
Maybe this is what makes life interesting. We’re all human, after all. We have the same instincts; same needs; same primary reactions; same feelings. Still, seldom do we understand each other. We often cannot figure out where the other is coming from. Come to think of it, wouldn’t life be boring if there is no misunderstanding once in a while? … if we all get along, and know everything the other is thinking and feeling?
There wouldn’t be any spice if there are no tears. Our existence wouldn’t be colorful if we’re always smiling … laughing. Sometimes it’s good to get hurt. We need to be confused. We don’t have to understand everything.
We need some mystery, anyway.
*************
And now what am I doing? Just rationalizing things I don’t understand. I’m writing about something which makes no sense from the very beginning. I’m talking rubbish to anyone who would be bored enough to listen.
Oh well, I’m just human. I have this instinct to be stupid. It’s in my nature to bullshit.
Just recently, my four year old nephew, Luke, told a lie. He was playing with his Dad’s celfone and accidentally dropped it down the stairs. When my brother, his Dad, saw the scrambled pieces of phone on the floor, my nephew quickly said: “Hanns did it”. Unfortunately for him, Hanns, his three-year old brother, was with my sister-in-law, watching T.V.
Luke’s typical day is spent with his Mom and brother. There are not many kids in their neighborhood, so, he’s not that exposed to other people his age. The programs that Luke and Hanns watch on T.V. are those on the Disney channel and Nickelodeon, so I doubt he copied lying from there. No one taught him that. He learned it on his own. He knows he’ll be scolded, and he wanted to save his own ass. His instinct took over. He lied. And that’s human nature.
************
There have been a lot of things said about men coming from Mars, and women from Venus. That men and women think from extreme parts of a pole; that these two creatures seldom, if never, understand each other. But actually, comprehending how the other acts, or reacts, is not that difficult. You just have to think about … human nature.
People rely on their instincts when they do things. We depend on our nature.
************
If your boyfriend cheats on you, not once, twice, but more times than you care to count, should you expect him to be faithful this time around? Nope. It’s in his nature to cheat. I’m not saying it’s in men’s nature to do so, I’m saying it’s in your boyfriend’s nature. A woman can cheat too, you know. If your girlfriend had series of flings while you’re still together, then you have to have your head examined if you think there’s no possibility of her doing it again. It’s in her nature.
***********
It takes a strong person to go against one’s nature. You need a lot of strength not to lie when your ass is on the line. It takes strong will not to flirt when you are one. You require determination to think about other people when you are selfish. It is difficult not to act in the way nature intended you to be.
Not that it is impossible. It’s just hard.
***********
Maybe this is what makes life interesting. We’re all human, after all. We have the same instincts; same needs; same primary reactions; same feelings. Still, seldom do we understand each other. We often cannot figure out where the other is coming from. Come to think of it, wouldn’t life be boring if there is no misunderstanding once in a while? … if we all get along, and know everything the other is thinking and feeling?
There wouldn’t be any spice if there are no tears. Our existence wouldn’t be colorful if we’re always smiling … laughing. Sometimes it’s good to get hurt. We need to be confused. We don’t have to understand everything.
We need some mystery, anyway.
*************
And now what am I doing? Just rationalizing things I don’t understand. I’m writing about something which makes no sense from the very beginning. I’m talking rubbish to anyone who would be bored enough to listen.
Oh well, I’m just human. I have this instinct to be stupid. It’s in my nature to bullshit.
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